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# Brian Gerald Murphy

Helping gay & bi guys build thriving relationships

## Posts

- [Gay Relationship Advice | Dating, Monogamous, Open & Polyamorous](https://thisisbgm.com/new/)
- [7 Tips for Dealing with Uncomfortable Feelings in a Relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/uncomfortable-feelings/) - Figuring out how to cope with uncomfortable feelings in a healthy and productive way has taken me yearrrrs to figure out (and it’s still an imperfect practice). Here are 7 of my go-to practices to help with that process
- [Jealousy is a choice](https://thisisbgm.com/jealousy-is-a-choice/) - Jealousy is a choice. That sickening, heart-stopping, hair-raising, kick-in-the-stomach flash of white hot emotion you feel? That might be an uncontrollable response but to stay jealous, to be jealous… that’s a choice. Don’t choose it. But don’t ignore it, either. Jealousy can often point the way to other feelings or unmet needs. I get it,
- [What promiscuity taught me about God’s love](https://thisisbgm.com/what-promiscuity-taught-me-about-gods-love/) - I wrote this as part of Queer Theology’s 2015 Synchroblog on Sex & Bodies. Check out all the entries here. I learned about agape, God’s self-sacrificing love from a hookup. Actually, a few hookups. Actually, a lot of hookups. I could count, but we might be here awhile. I think a better use of our
- [Is this a faggot party? (or, Will I be uncomfortable, & Will I survive?)](https://thisisbgm.com/uncomfortable/) - This Dispatch is part of the Tough Questions series. “What is this a faggot party? Y’all a bunch of faggots. I wish I had an oozie, man I wish I had an oozie. You mess with God, you mess with me. Man, I wish I had an oozie.” A man yelled at a group of
- [If there is no God, God is in it](https://thisisbgm.com/if-there-is-no-god-god-is-in-it/) - God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him. - Friedrich Nietzsche I spend at least two out of every seven days believing that there is no God. That we are a profoundly amazing collection of molecules, and cells, and fibers, and electric impulses and that at the end of it all, we
- [Can gay guys be committed?](https://thisisbgm.com/queer-commitment/) - Is there a lack of commitment in gay relationships? Are gay guys who want an open relationship scared of commitment? The idea that gay men can't be committed used to be accusation that anti-LGBT people used to deny us rights and recognition (and tbh it still is sometimes). But increasingly, I'm hearing more and more
- [Apps I use to be a better husband](https://thisisbgm.com/better-relationship-apps/) - Today I want to narrow in on one set of tools that my partner and I use every day to keep our relationship thriving. These are not only tools that I use in my own relationships every single day, they're also tools that I recommend basically all of my clients use. Here's why smartphone apps
- [What haven't you said to your partner?](https://thisisbgm.com/make-communication-easier/) - At this point, the importance of “talking about your feelings” is almost a cliche. We all know we should do it, it even sounds like good advice, but when it comes down to it? Talking about your feelings isn’t always that easy. In my relationship coaching sessions, clients sometimes share something with their partner during
- [Leaving without abandoning: How to engage problematic communities?](https://thisisbgm.com/leaving-without-abandoning-how-to-engage-problematic-communities/) - If we are going to refuse to support our own and others' oppression, how do we leave and cease to cooperate with anti-queer (and racist, transphobic, and other oppressive) forces without abandoning both the oppressed and the oppressor who remain behind? I don't, by any means, have all the other answers and so I would
- [Do I have to be an activist?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-activism/) - First, a meditation. A Litany For Survival For those of us who live at the shoreline standing upon the constant edges of decision crucial and alone for those of us who cannot indulge the passing dreams of choice who love in doorways coming and going in the hours between dawns looking inward and outward at
- [Why Queer Liberation Must Be Queer Led](https://thisisbgm.com/queer-liberation/) - "For the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change." -- Audre Lorde, from the essay "The Master's Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master's House" When it comes to "LGBT issues and the
- [Open Relationship v Polyamory: What's the difference?](https://thisisbgm.com/open-vs-poly/) - If you want to be in a relationship that doesn't quite fit the monogamy mold, you've probably come across both the ideas of both "open relationship" and "polyamory" … what's the difference between them and which one is right for you? Polyamory and open relationship are two BIG umbrella terms in the ways folks structure
- [6 Signs of a Healthy Gay Relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/healthy/) - Everyone wants a healthy relationship, but the sad truth is that a staggering amount of them aren't. Somewhere between 30 and 60% of folks in marriages will cheat at some point. Six out of 10 people in relationships aren't happy in their relationship and searches for signs of a toxic relationship have been steadily increasing
- [Open Relationship Rules](https://thisisbgm.com/rules/) - If you're thinking about an open relationship, you might be looking for some open relationship or open marriage ground rules. And I get it, you want to make suer that you're being thoughtful, that you're protecting your relationship, and that you're minimizing the opportunities for harm. Let's dive into the dos and don'ts of open
- [Constant Contact, MailChimp, AWeber, iContact Review](https://thisisbgm.com/constant-contact-aweber-mailchimp-email-marketing-newsletter-review/) - The big players in email marketing providers are Constant Contact, MailChimp, AWeber, and iContact. I'm going to play this review American Idol style and make some cuts before we even get to the Hollywood round. iContact is out. The interface is clunky and difficult to use (and this coming from me! I'm used to dealing
- [Gay Dating Advice: Should You Send Nudes?](https://thisisbgm.com/gay-dating-advice-should-you-send-nudes/) - My answers usually: you do you, boo. While I stand by that, I want to dive into the whether, when, and the how of sending nudes.
- [What to Look for in a boyfriend: Gay Edition](https://thisisbgm.com/what-to-look-for-in-boyfriend/) - When you’re looking for a boyfriend, what do you look for? Tall? Scruffy? A strong jawline? Muscular? Or maybe a bear. Or a daddy. Or someone making six-figures. Or an activist. Or an artist. If you’ve got some idea of your perfect man in your head, you’re not alone. But how do you know if
- [Polyamory Breakup Myths](https://thisisbgm.com/polyamory-breakup-myths/)
- [How to fight well in a relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/how-to-fight-well-in-a-relationship/) - In your relationship, there are definitely going to be times when you bump into each other. I'm sure you've already experienced some of that bumping, right? That's completely normal and to-be-expected. But how you do that bumping, how you handle tension or conflict or arguments in your relationship makes all the difference. Knowing how to address conflict in
- ["Relationships Are Hard" is a lie!](https://thisisbgm.com/relationships-are-hard/) - I don’t know when it started, but the idea that romantic relationships are hard is a lie that needs to die. Now.
- [Monogamish](https://thisisbgm.com/monogamish/) - If you'd like to spice up your relationship by involving another person in some way, you are not alone. A 2011 study found that just over 40% of gay couples are something other than monogamous. Half of those couples were in some sort of open or polyamorous, while the other half were monogamish. If strict
- [5 tips for dating a guy in an open relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/dating-open-relationship/) - What if you're out there living your best single life, not even thinking about open or polyamorous relationships, and then, BAM!, you meet someone and you really hit it off and you find out that he's already in a relationship? I've got you covered with 5 tips to get you started on the right foot.
- [What happened when I met the man of my dreams](https://thisisbgm.com/man-of-my-dreams/) - I met the man of my dreams in the middle of the night on the corner of 7th Street and Avenue A. (Ok, I him on Grindr and then we met on the corner of 7th Street and Avenue A) When I say man of my dreams, I swear to God I mean it. The
- [Is an open relationship right for me?](https://thisisbgm.com/open-relationship-right-for-me/) - There's all sorts of reasons why you might wonder, "Is an open relationship right for me?" Maybe your boyfriend asked to open your relationship. Maybe you met a guy that conference and even though you have a boyfriend, you can’t stop thinking about him. Maybe the cute guy you met on Tinder already has a
- [Asking for what you want in a relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/asking/) - Asking for what you want and need in a relationship can be SUPER SCARY. If you follow this process though, it might make the experience a bit easier for you (and your boyfriend!)
- [What do you need in a relationship?](https://thisisbgm.com/relationship-needs/) - No one likes to be needy but we all do have needs and it's important that you get what you need in your relationship. That's what I want to offer today: some help in figuring out what your needs are and the first step in getting those needs met. If you not getting your needs
- [How to use a feelings list for better communication in your relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/feelings-list-inventory-relationship-communication/) - Really intense emotions are often portrayed in the media as sexy and desirable and I mean we want to feel something in a relationship that's like a big part of the point but really big feelings can get in the way of healthy communication if you're not careful. If you want better communication in your relationship, I'm going to share the one tool that is most useful for me.
- ["Boyfriend makes me feel..." What to do.](https://thisisbgm.com/healthy-relationship-communication/) - Have you ever thought "My boyfriend makes me feel so…."? Does he boyfriend make you feel insecure? Jealous? Angry? If so, I've got one thing you can do right now to address your issues…. and it starts with you. In this video, I share how the first step in nonviolent communication can help put you
- [Q&A: I'm anxious with my new open relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/anxious-open-relationship/) - My first ever gay relationship advice Q&A video! A viewer wrote in an asked about feeling anxious, insecure, or jealous in an open relationship. It's his first time being in a gay open relationship while his boyfriend has been in open relationships in the past. He's looking for some tactics on how he can work
- [Is there any good to Grindr and gay hookup apps?](https://thisisbgm.com/grindr-good/) - Grindr gets a bad reputation from a lot of gay guys but I think a lot of good can come from Grindr. Today, let's look at is there any good in Grindr and other gay hookup apps or is Grindr toxic? How you can use Grindr for friendship, and my own story of how a Grindr hookup turned into one of my best friends.
- [How to use "I Statements" for Conflict Resolution](https://thisisbgm.com/how-to-use-i-statements-for-conflict-resolution/) - There’s one small change that I’ve made to the way I talk with my boyfriend that has made soooooooo much difference. Like, seriously, this one small change is responsible for so many good things. It’s this: Use I Statements
- [4 Books That Will Help Your Relationship (that you aren't thinking about)](https://thisisbgm.com/unexpected-relationship-advice-books/) - If you're trying to build a healthy open relationship or polyamorous relationship, you may have already come across the "big name" resources out there — The Ethical Slut, More Than Two, Multiamor,y, etc. etc. While those have all been helpful for me, there have been four books that have been at least as helpful as
- [My Top 6 Open Relationship & Polyamory Resources](https://thisisbgm.com/top-polyamory-resources/) - When I first started exploring open relationships, there were not nearly as many resources as there are today. I’ve read, watched, and listened to dozens and dozens — the good, the bad, and the strange so that you don’t have to — and today I want to share my top 6.
- [My Relationship Communication Mistakes](https://thisisbgm.com/mistakes/) - No matter how much you read, watch, and practice communicating well with your boyfriend, sometimes you're going to mess up. In this video, I share my gay relationship communication mistakes so that you can learn from me and hopefully not make the same mistakes yourself.
- [In defense of casual gay sex...](https://thisisbgm.com/in-defense-of-casual-gay-sex/) - I get messages from guys pretty regularly asking some variation of “is it ok to have casual sex?” “I really like hooking up, is that ok?” “I have sex with my friends, is that normal?” Not only do I think casual sex among gay guys is a common and OK thing … in my experience,
- [A Brief History of Gay Cruising](https://thisisbgm.com/history-gay-cruising/) - These days lots of gay guys are using Grindr for hooking up. But we didn't always have sex available at our fingertips. For centuries (or longer!) gay and bi guys have found ways to connect with each other, even when doing so was illegal. Most of us don't come from queer families and so we don't learn our LGBTQ history at home. So, I set out to uncover the ways that gay and bisexual guys have met each other for friendship and sex.
- [When & How to talk about STIs](https://thisisbgm.com/std/) - When it comes to hooking up and STDs, some ways of talking about it are more better than others, but I think even asking when your prospective playmate was lasted tested isn't the most helpful. Gay guys have been told that we’re extra at risk for HIV and STIs and that gay sex is riskier
- [4 Reasons to NOT Open Your Relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/reasons-to-not-open-your-relationship/) - Deciding whether or not to open your relationship is a big and important decision. While there are lots of good reasons to open your relationship, there are also some reasons why you SHOULDN'T open your relationship.
- [What is a boundary?](https://thisisbgm.com/boundaries/) - Is your boyfriend doing something that they don’t like and they can’t get him to stop. Friends and clients will often ask “How can I set and enforce a boundary to make my boyfriend do what I want?” That’s not how it works, exactly, but there is something you can do so that, no matter
- [Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back](https://thisisbgm.com/unrequited-love/) - Being in love is a helluva drug. I like being in love and I’m sure you do too. And I can remember sooooo many times when I was pining after a guy who just wasn’t returning my affection. So what do you do when you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? I’ve
- [Why I opened my relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/open-relationship/) - I hear some variation of those questions just about every day: Why would anyone be in an open relationship? What's the point of even being in a relationship then? I've been in a relationship with my partner Peter for 10 years now and we've had an open relationship for just about nine of those years.
- [The Importance of Queer Friendship](https://thisisbgm.com/friendship/) - After a week on Fire Island in the Fire Island Pines with my NYC queer family, I'm thinking about the importance of queer friendship — especially for gay men. I just got back from a week on Fire Island in New York with my New York City chosen queer family and it was freaking amazing.
- [Needs vs Tactics](https://thisisbgm.com/needs-vs-tactics/) - Sometimes will use their "needs" to manipulate people. If someone NEEDS something how can you say no? Here's the difference between a need and tactic and why it matters:
- [Sex vs Love in Open Relationships](https://thisisbgm.com/sex-vs-love-in-open-relationships/) - What's the difference between sex and love? And, can you have one without the other?
- [Open Relationship Best Practices](https://thisisbgm.com/open-relationship-best-practices/) - Last week, I answered a viewer question and talked about ways to handle transitioning from time spent with one boyfriend to time spent with another video. In THIS video, I’m gonna answer a related question that he didn’t ask: how do you manage? Balance? Handle? take take care of? Oy! You know what I mean! How
- [Gay Dating During COVID-19](https://thisisbgm.com/gay-dating-during-covid-19/) - As you most certainly know, we are in the midst of a pandemic that hase changed everything about the way that we go about our day-to-day lives. Sex, dating and relationships are part of that change. Everything looks different than it ever used to look before. That doesn't mean though that we have to wither
- [What makes you desirable](https://thisisbgm.com/what-makes-you-desirable/) - Whether you're dating or in a long-term relationship, how do you develop that spark that makes you irresistible?
- [The difference between feelings & facts](https://thisisbgm.com/feelings-vs-facts/) - When it comes to feelings, we’re getting two seemingly conflicting messages: “Feelings are not facts” and “Your feelings are valid” So which one is it? "My partner doesn't respect my feelings" is a complaint I hear often. So is "I don't know why he's upset, that's not what happened!" In today's video, I breakdown what
- [An open relationship made me MORE secure & LESS jealous](https://thisisbgm.com/secure-open-relationship/) - Last week I responded to a viewer question whose boyfriend wanted to open up their relationship and that left him feeling like, "Why am I not enough?" Today I want to tackle the idea that an open relationship, or polyamory, exacerbates feelings of insecurity or jealousy, because in my experience and in the experience of
- [Is a gay relationship coach right for you?](https://thisisbgm.com/is-a-gay-relationship-coach-right-for-you/) - If you want to get in shape fast, you hire a fitness coach. If you wanna change careers, you might hire a career coach. And if you want a relationship, or you want to improve upon an existing one, you might hire a relationship coach. Here's what that looks like.
- [Tough Question: Would it be better if I (or anyone else) weren't this way?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-question-not-this-way/) - This Tough Question is submitted by Stephen Ira. When I first came out as gay, my mom spent a few weeks referring to it as “[my] revelation.” It was something I did, announced, put upon everyone. My parents asked me if I had considered what this would do to my sister, who was entering high
- [Tough Questions: Marriage & Family](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-marriage/) - What do I do if I find myself with same-gender attractions but am in an opposite-gender marriage and family? I can’t speak to today’s Tough Question directly from experience. A reader submitted this question and it might be on your mind too (it might be a Question you’re even asking yourself). Here is what I
- [The first crush I never had](https://thisisbgm.com/crushes/) - My parents tell a story, of my first crush. Natassia. She lived around the corner from us. In elementary school, my favorite subjects were math and science and I was good at them. Yet somehow, in the spring of fourth grade, every day while working on my homework, I would completely loose my ability to
- [Tough Questions: Am I Perverted?](https://thisisbgm.com/perverted/) - The way we talk about sex at church, you’d think no one is having it. It’s a wonder anyone of us were ever conceived! You should spend your entire life suppressing any sexual thoughts you might ever had. Until the moment you get married, then it’s one of the most beautiful things ever. But don’t
- [The Myths of Monogamy](https://thisisbgm.com/monogamy-myths/) - Monogamy is pulling a fast one on us… Which is not to say that monogamous relationships don’t work (they do), but instead monogamy promises things that it can’t deliver. It promises us a one and only. It promises a relief from jealousy. It promises us protection from heartache. It promises to have and to hold,
- [Gay & attracted to women?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-attractions/) - I had the inklings that I was attracted to other guys for a long time. Before I even had the words for it, probably. The first time I met one of my good friends in elementary school, I knew I wanted to be friends with him. Was it a crush or was it just me
- [Is porn cheating? (What is monogamy?)](https://thisisbgm.com/porn-cheating/) - Is it cheating to watch porn while you're in a relationship? I'm sure you have an immediate, decisive answer to that question. And someone else has an equally immediate, equally decisive answer that is the opposite of yours. Asking this question gets to the heart of the question of what is and is not cheating.
- [Open Relationship Myths](https://thisisbgm.com/open-relationship-myths/) - I've heard A LOT of misconceptions about open relationships. Here are some of the most common (and most frustrating). Whether you want to open your relationship, are asking "Should I be in an open relationship?", are dating someone in an open relationship or love someone who is... debunknig these myths will help you understand open and polyamorous relationships better (and maybe even consider if one might be right for you)
- [How journaling can improve your relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/journal/) - Journaling has been HUGE for me in finding, maintaining, and growing healthy relationships. Here's the how and why of how it's helpful, and how you can get started in using journaling to improve your relationsip.
- [How you're 'supposed' to feel in a relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/how-youre-supposed-to-feel-in-a-relationship/) - When you're in a relationship, you get all sorts of messages about how you're "supposed" to feel. But the truth is, we don't always feel the way we're "supposed" to feel. And that's ok. I explore and unpack a few relationship messages you might have heard, how those differ slightly depending on your relationship structure, and what to do if how you're feeling runs against the grain.
- [Good vs Bad Feelings](https://thisisbgm.com/good-vs-bad-feelings/) - When you ask someone how they're doing, more often than not you get some variation of "good," "ok," or "not so good" (aka bad). We've collapsed the whole range of human experience to "good," "indifferent," and "bad." But is that helpful?
- [Eight Things I Don't Need to Hear From Straight People](https://thisisbgm.com/eight-things-i-dont-need-to-hear-from-straight-people/) - Over the years, well-intentioned folks have said things that are not helpful. It is because I appreciate your intentions that I'm composing this post.
- [Five Awesome Things Straight People Can Do](https://thisisbgm.com/five-awesome-things-straight-people-can-do/) - It's interesting, and perhaps fitting, that while my recent 8 Things I Don't Need to Hear From Straight People article was making its way around my friend network and the internet in general, one particular straight guy was reacting really poorly to being called out on his straight privilege and hurtful words. His behavior stood in stark
- [Fred Phelps is my hero](https://thisisbgm.com/fred-phelps/) - God hates fags. Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church turned “God hates fags” into a worldwide-recognized slogan. It is the epitome of homophobia in America. Fred Phelps is the quintessential anti-gay Christian. Fred Phelps is also grossly misunderstood. Let’s start with a few declarations: The message “God hates fags” is harmful, hurtful, mean-spirited, and
- [What Gay Porn Taught Me About Faith](https://thisisbgm.com/gay-porn-christian-faith/) - It was easier to pretend that I was straight before I looked at gay porn. That’s when it all came crashing down. Before then, I could brush it off. I was just excited to make a new friend, I was just looking for new clothes in the catalogue, or I was being a good Christian
- [Love Is Abundant, Time & Attention Are Not](https://thisisbgm.com/love-is-abundant-time-attention-are-not/) - Beyonce and I might both have 24 hours in a day but there are still only 24 hours in a day.
- [Working Out Relationships: What health & fitness taught me about relationships](https://thisisbgm.com/working-out-relationships/) - With fitness, there’s no one exercise or one meal you can eat that will suddenly change your body. And with faith, there’s no one book you can read, sermon you can hear, or conversation you can have that will suddenly change your outlook. And the same is true with relationships too. There’s no one book
- [A 5-word question that will transform your relationship](https://thisisbgm.com/5-words/) - When you want to do something and you have a feeling your partner isn’t going to be too thrilled about it, how do you act? My two default modes are shut it down immediately and don’t even give myself the opportunity to pursue it or do it anyway, worrying the whole time if he’ll find
- [What if I don’t want to be this way?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-conclusion/) - Has it been 30 days? Thank you for joining me on this journey through Tough Questions on the path to acceptance. The practice of repsonding to a prompt every day has been deeply beneficial to me, as I’ve dug into questions that are easier to let slide past. And I’ve been moved and blessed by
- [How I learned to love myself; or, moving beyond "Is it a sin?"](https://thisisbgm.com/is-it-a-sin/) - Are you fed up with debating over and over and over again about whether it's "ok to be gay"? I am. And at the same time, I remember when that was the conversation that I wanted to have over and over and over again. I needed an answer, an explanation, just the right... something... that would tell
- [Tough Questions: Will I Be Healthy?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-health/) - This Dispatch is part of the Tough Questions series. You can sign-up for Free Daily Dispatches to receive them all. Gay people get AIDS and die. Did anyone ever say it to me those exact words to me? Probably not. That is what the culture told me. Homosexuals are promiscuous, gay men get all sorts of STDs, gay people
- [Tough Questions: Can I Have A Family?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-family/) - It’s 10:00 PM and my evening is winding down. I pick up my MacBook Air, my journal, and the book I’m reading (The Wisdom of No Escape). I’m not sure what my plan is: to read? To journal? To type? The light from the fire/heater against a comfy chair catches my eye. I sit in
- [But what if I just want to be normal?](https://thisisbgm.com/normal/) - This Dispatch is part of the Tough Questions series. You can sign-up for Free Daily Dispatches to receive them all. Over the past month, I’ve reflected upon many of the ways that being queer has enriched my life. In those moments, differentness of it was a catalyst for something greater. But what if I don’t want to be different?
- [Harnessing Our Stories](https://thisisbgm.com/harnessing-our-stories-lgbt-activism/) - Just about every LGBT conference these days has a workshop on "Telling Your Story." As a blogger, speaker, and filmmaker, I am certainly not one to object to storytelling; it's what I do. Still, I see a need to ask ourselves some questions about our storytelling: why do we tell our story, how do we
- [7 Habits of Highly Effective Allies](https://thisisbgm.com/allies/) - You started down the road of being an ally for LGBT people and now you find yourself realizing that this is hard work, that you don't have it all figured out, and that sometimes people still get upset with you. Fear not! I put together seven habits of highly effective allies which will help get
- [God Intended Man & Woman](https://thisisbgm.com/god-intended-man-woman/) - A friend said to me, I mean, I know I’m gay and that’s true to who I am and isn’t going away, but I mean—in the beginning—God intended men and women to be together. It’s just that The Fall, and sin, and we’ve messed things up… and now some people are gay, I’m gay. But
- [Tough Questions: Am I A Real Man](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-manly/) - This Dispatch is part of the Tough Questions series. You can sign-up for Free Daily Dispatches to receive them all. My grandfather played semi-professional, my father was a varsity kicker before sustaining an injury that ended his ability to compete. My cousins played basketball, baseball, football. I was in Boy Scouts and had a chemistry
- [What Will My Parents Think?](https://thisisbgm.com/tough-questions-parents/) - This is the first prompt in Tough Questions On The Road To Affirmation: What Will My Parents Think? As I journeyed to self-acceptance as a queer person, this question weighed heavy. Here, I respond to that Question. Would you consider responding to this prompt too? Post it to your website, Facebook, or Tumblr. Start a
- [Why We March: Trans Day of Action](https://thisisbgm.com/why-we-march-trans-day-of-action/) - Today is a guest post from Micah Matthias who writes about the 6th Annual NYC Trans Day of Action for Sanctuary Collective. We will be there today, join us of if you can. This afternoon, at 4 pm, we will be participating in the 6th annual Trans Day of Action in New York City. We'll meet
- [A Call to Action: Transgender Day of Action 2010](https://thisisbgm.com/transgender-day-of-action-2010/) - Transgender people exist, they have always existed, and they are important and integral parts of our society. From gender variant characters filling central roles in the Bible; through the 1 noticeably intersex child out of every 2,000; and to the countless trans and gender non-conforming folks in every city, we can see that gender variation
- [You Have A Voice, So Do Others](https://thisisbgm.com/you-have-a-voice-so-do-others/) - It is a common desire to "be a voice for the voiceless." Nonsense. Everyone has a voice, if we can not hear some voices, it is not because they are not speaking, but because we are not listening or we are too busy talking over them. On Wednesday, I was reminded that everyone has a

## Pages

- [Home](https://thisisbgm.com/) - Tools and strategies for non-profits and activists to harness web and media to change the world.
- [Still thinking about Relationshift.](https://thisisbgm.com/relationshift-deciding/) - Heard. I'll follow-up before registration closes to make sure you don't accidentally miss out and you're able to decide one way or the other if you'll be joining Relationshfit. Want to chat to help you decide? Grab a time for a call here Ready to join? Enroll here
- [Open & Closer Than Ever Workshop Replay](https://thisisbgm.com/workshop/replay/) - Open & Closer Than Ever Workshop replay available until August 20 Join Relationshift Relationshift enrollment closes this Friday (August 21) Relationshift Three months to an open relationship with more intimacy, hotter sex & none of the dread around the "hard" conversations REady to Shift? Enrollment is now open for Relationshift Group Coaching For people navigating
- [Relationshift Group Coaching](https://thisisbgm.com/group/) - Enrollment open until August 21 Relationshift Three months to an open relationship with more intimacy, hotter sex & none of the dread around the "hard" conversations REady to Shift? Enrollment is now open for Relationshift Group Coaching For people navigating open (or open-ish) relationships who want to talk about sex and outside connections more comfortably,
- [Open & Closer Than Ever | Free Workshop](https://thisisbgm.com/free-workshop/)
- [Open & Closer Than Ever](https://thisisbgm.com/workshop/)
- [Registration Complete](https://thisisbgm.com/workshop/thankyou/) - Your seat is saved! You are attending this training on Tuesday, August 11 at 6:00 pm Eastern Details are on the way to your inbox. For right now, add it to your calendar and set aside about 90 minutes for our time together. Add to Calendar Can open relationships really make you closer than ever?! There are
- [Registration Complete](https://thisisbgm.com/free-workshop/thankyou/) - Your seat is saved! You are attending this training on Tuesday, August 11 at 6:00 pm Eastern Details are on the way to your inbox. For right now, add it to your calendar and set aside about 90 minutes for our time together. Add to Calendar Can open relationships really make you closer than ever?! There are
- [Open & Closer Than Ever](https://thisisbgm.com/workshop-aug2026/)
- [Private Relationship Coaching](https://thisisbgm.com/private-coaching/) - Stronger, Safer and Sexier Relationships Without Shame, Scarcity, or “Should”s Is any of this you? Ever worry you’ll be having the same exact emotional conversation with your partner a year from now? Do you want to have more sex–and hotter sex? Are you scared that if you ask for what you really want in your
- [Relationshift Waitlist Confirmed](https://thisisbgm.com/waitlist/) - You are officially on the Relationshift waitlist and will be first to know when doors open later this summer. We sold out last time and expect to sell out again so make sure you have brian@thisisbgm.com set as a contact/favorite/important email so you don't miss the announcement—space is limited and there are some time-sensitive bonuses.
- [Relationship Videos](https://thisisbgm.com/relationship-videos/) - Making Open Relationships Work Tune Up Your Relationship
- [Relationship Coaching](https://thisisbgm.com/coaching/) - For people navigating open (or open-ish) relationships who want to talk about sex and outside connections more comfortably, expand their sex lives, reduce tension and confusion, and create shared agreements that actually work in real life. If this is where you're at... Frustrated that you keep trying to change things—open up further, have sex more
- [Love Beyond Monogamy](https://thisisbgm.com/book/) - Love Beyond Monogamy How Polyamory Can Enrich Your Spirituality, Faith, and Relationships Integrating your spirituality and sexuality can be daunting – these parts of life can feel very separate, even contradictory. Activist, educator, relationship coach and co-founder of QueerTheology.com, Brian G. Murphy, is here to change that.Exploring the spiritual roots of polyamory and drawing on
- [Permission To Desire Podcast](https://thisisbgm.com/podcast/) - Permission To Desire a podcast on sex, love, and liberation What if wanting more wasn’t selfish, but sacred? That’s the question at the heart of Permission To Desire, a podcast for the curious, the courageous, the quirky, and consciously nontraditional. Whether you’re hoping to rekindle passion in a long-term relationship, healing from sexual shame, considering
- [Weekly Sync Session Worksheet + Walkthrough](https://thisisbgm.com/sync-session-worksheet-walkthrough/) - Download PDF Fillable Google Doc Want a customized 3-part plan for the next most important steps you can take in building the relationship and sex life of your dreams? Apply For A Next Steps Call
- [Love Beyond Monogamy Release Party](https://thisisbgm.com/party/) - Friday September 19 7:00–9:00 p.m. The Meeting Room at Judson 55 Washington Square South New York, NY 10012 RSVP “Murphy’s work is to love what The Ethical Slut is to sex—a paradigm-shifting classic.”Love Beyond Monogamy is about to be released in to the world and I would love for you to come celebrate with me!
- [Love Beyond Monogamy Bonuses](https://thisisbgm.com/book/love-beyond-monogamy-bonuses/) - Love Beyond Monogamy: How Polyamory Can Enrich Your Spirituality, Faith, and Relationships is coming September 18—and I want to say thank you for your early support! Everyone who pre-orders will receive a bundle of exclusive bonuses designed to deepen your connection to the book, to your relationships, and to your spirituality/faith/values (whatever word fits for
- [Love Beyond Monogamy Event Interest](https://thisisbgm.com/events/) - Hi there! I'm so glad you're interested in a Love Beyond Monogamy event in your city! I'm in the process of lining up events now so indicating your interest by filling out the short form below will help me know where to focus. If you have a connection to an organization (college, church, synagogue, book
- [Love Beyond Monogamy Launch Team](https://thisisbgm.com/launchteam/) - Hello! This fall Love Beyond Monogamy will be out in the world and I’m excited to invite you to join me in the journey. The launch team will help to spread the word about Love Beyond Monogamy, generate positive buzz, and ensure that it finds its way to as many people who need it as
- [Say hello!](https://thisisbgm.com/contact/) - Hello there. I remember sorting through sex, dating, relationships, opening up my relationship, and navigating polyamory — doing all of that as queer guy with even less resources and social support. Which is why I'm here, doing this work. I can't answer every question or solve every problem (if only!) but I'll do my best
- [Reading Recommendations](https://thisisbgm.com/reading-recommendations/) - Love Beyond Monogamy How Polyamory Can Enrich Your Spirituality, Faith, and Relationships Integrating your spirituality and sexuality can be daunting – these parts of life can feel very separate, even contradictory. Activist, educator, relationship coach and co-founder of QueerTheology.com, Brian G. Murphy, is here to change that. Available everywhere books are sold. If you want
- [Curiosity Focused Questions](https://thisisbgm.com/curious/) - Are you able to talk with your partner and feel seen and heard? Healthy long-term relationships take work That’s the unsexy reality that doesn’t make it into love songs, RomComs, and Instagram feeds. Being able to talk about the things that matter most is the foundation for a lifetime of commitment and adventures. Coming Soon: Curiosity Focused Conversations
- [Breakthrough Session](https://thisisbgm.com/breakthrough/) - Want more connection in your busy relationship? Learn how to create consistent quality time through relationship rituals and day-of date nights that are exciting for you and that strengthen your commitment. Create some magic, starting today Commitment Clarity Breakthrough Session Your Commitment Clarity Breakthrough Session is a way to create more security and connection while opening the door for future possibility in a way
- [Commitment Clarity Checklist](https://thisisbgm.com/clarity/) - Monogamous? Polyamorous? Open? Something else? Are you and your boyfriend on the same page? Let’s find out (and get you there if not) The Commitment Clarity Checklist is your next step in strengthening & shifting your relationship The Commitment Clarity Checklist is a way to create more security and connection while opening the door for
- [Spirituality Resources](https://thisisbgm.com/spirituality-resources/) - Here are a few recommendations on where to get started: Reconciling Queerness & Faith Is it REALLY ok to be LGBTQ & Christian? Mishkahn Ga'avah: Where Pride Dwells edited by Rabbi Denise Eger Learning from transgender people of faith In The Margins by Shannon TL Kearns The Soul of The Stranger by Joy Ladin Transgender
- [Relationship Resources](https://thisisbgm.com/relationship-resources/) - Subscribe for relationship advice on YouTube Want to browse a bit? Check out these recent and all-time favorite posts Most Popular Open Relationship Rules6 Signs of a Healthy Gay RelationshipOpen Relationship vs PolyamoryA Brief History of Gay Cruising Recent
- [Select Podcast Interviews](https://thisisbgm.com/interviews/) - If you would like to interview Brian for your podcast or publication, contact Maria Atchison at maria@bmskcreative.com. Please include as many details as possible including interview topic, platform reach, and deadline.
- [Coaching Application Confirmation](https://thisisbgm.com/private-coaching/confirmation/) - Congratulations! You are one step closer to improving your relationship health. I got your application for relationship coaching and will review it ASAP. If approved, I'll reach out with next steps. Either way, you'll hear from me in the next few days. The application you submitted will serve as a useful foundation for our time
- [Preference Noted](https://thisisbgm.com/preference-noted/) - I gotcha! Thanks for letting me know a little bit more about yourself and your relationship status and structure. I'll be in touch soon with some personalized recommendations for you. Before you go, I'd love for you to reply to the video message on this page to let me know what prompted you to sign
- [Sexuality & Spirituality](https://thisisbgm.com/spirituality/) - Religion and spirituality are important areas of life for many people (though not everyone), regardless of whether you believe in a God “out there” or not. I spent my teenage years as a closeted queer kid and an Evangelical Christian, so when I came out and started dating, I had a lot of learning (and
- [About Brian G Murphy](https://thisisbgm.com/about/) - I’ve been doing LGBTQ activism and education for over a decade with organizations like Soulforce, GLSEN, and HRC. I received nonviolence training from civil rights leaders including Phil Lawson. I’ve spoken about sexuality and gender at dozens of colleges and conferences across the country. I’m the co-creator of Legalize Trans, an artistic and educational movement
- [Instructor Registration](https://thisisbgm.com/instructor-registration/) - [tutor_instructor_registration_form]
- [Cookie Policy](https://thisisbgm.com/cookie-policy/) - This site uses cookies - small text files that are placed on your machine to help the site provide a better user experience. In general, cookies are used to retain user preferences, store information for things like shopping carts, and provide anonymised tracking data to third party applications like Google Analytics. As a rule, cookies
- [](https://thisisbgm.com/home-2/) - Relationships take work, but they don’t have to be hard and you don’t have to go it alone. Hi, I'm Brian G. Murphy! I'm an activist, educator, and certified relationship coach. My work is grounded in tension — independence & interdependence, security & adventure, transparency & privacy, desire & contentment. I believe that you deserve
- [Big List of Feelings](https://thisisbgm.com/feelingslist/) - If you came from a YouTube or Facebook video and just want to download the list, grab it here. If you're not quite sure what this is all about, read on... When I'm feeling... bad... and can't quite put my finger on why, I often find it helpful to consult a list of feelings to help me figure out exactly what it is I'm feeling.
- [I got your message](https://thisisbgm.com/contact/confirmed/) - Hey there! I got your message. You should get an auto-reply email back from me right away. If there's anything else you want to add, just reply to that and I'll get it (I'm a real person who really checks my email!) I'll get back to you as soon as possible — usually within a
- [I got ya!](https://thisisbgm.com/confirmed/) - Welcome to The List. Keep an eye on your inbox, I'll write soon... every Wednesday, I'll send a new video + article. And occasionally, you'll get some more private writing that I only share with folks by email. In the meantime, if you ever have any questions, reach out at brian@briangerald.com. And catch up on
- [Hero](https://thisisbgm.com/hero/) - Become the most courageous person you know with my secret formula Discover the simple 3 Steps that I Discovered to Hack Productivity. It works %100. Wanna transform your life? Give Me The Formula Personal Development With Haley Dust The #1 Life Coach In The Universe! Start Now Personal Development With Haley Dust The #1 Life
- [Articles](https://thisisbgm.com/articles/) - Over the years, I've written articles in this space on a number of topics, including video production & digital marketing, queer theology, LGBT issues, and healthy relationships. While I don't publish here as regularly. Here are a few of the most popular, by topic. P.S. If you want to keep up with my new content,
- [Privacy Policy](https://thisisbgm.com/privacy-policy/) - Who we are Our website address is: https://www.briangerald.com. What personal data we collect and why we collect it Personal Data While using our Service, we may ask you to provide us with certain personally identifiable information that can be used to contact or identify you ("Personal Data"). Personally identifiable information may include, but is not
- [Tyler Clementi Foundation](https://thisisbgm.com/projects/tyler-clementi/) - Client: Tyler Clementi Foundation Project: "Reparative Therapy" awareness-raising and action campaign video Services provided: Concept, script, editing, graphics
- [30 Years Strong](https://thisisbgm.com/projects/30yearsstrong/) - As Harlem United's Senior Director of Marketing & Communications, I produced this video to kickoff our 30th anniversary celebration and fundraising campaign using archive photos as well as photos and videos that I captured during my time on staff. Services provided: Concept, script, photography, video production, editing, graphics
- [Questions](https://thisisbgm.com/questions/) - Can we connect on social media? Absolutely, you can find me on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. If you'd like to connect rather than just following along (the latter is a-okay too!), I follow back people that are (a) interesting and (b) engaging; so don't just "follow" me, say hello and let me know what makes
- [Resources](https://thisisbgm.com/resources/) - Relationships & Polyamory The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy Opening Up by Tristan Taormino EastSiders [web series] Open Relationship Community [Facebook Group] Multiamory podcast Identity & Activism The Color of Violence by INCITE! Women of Color Against Violence Trans Bodies, Trans Selves edited by Laura Erickson-Schroth Sex Between Men by Douglas Sadownick The
- [Speaking](https://thisisbgm.com/speaking/) - What do queer theology, non-profit communications, and lean startups have in common? They are all unreasonably dedicated to turning a vision into reality.Not all talks touch upon all three, but some do. Appearances can be presentations, panel discussions, workshops or a mix of them all. Workshop topics include: Love Thy Neighbor: Making the Christian case

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## Portfolio

- [The Simple Way](https://thisisbgm.com/portfolio/the-simple-way/) - When I started at The Simple Way, their website was over a decade old, they had no social media accounts, and I held one of the first paid positions. This was mostly by design: a desire to live simple and do small things with great joy. But there was also a recognition that the folks
- [Shannon T.L. Kearns](https://thisisbgm.com/portfolio/shannon-kearns/) - [tw-column width="three-fourth"] Shannon Kearns has been writing online for over a decade but for most of that time, he wrote anonymously under the pen name Anarchist Reverend. Over the past few years, Anarchist Reverend has become less anonymous—and his work has become more diverse—but Shannon was still camped out under the Anarchist Reverend brand. In January
- [Harlem Gets Fit](https://thisisbgm.com/portfolio/harlem-gets-fit/) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZenBoSZSWGc This video is one in a series of short vignettes of LGBT youth in the United States produced for GLSEN--the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network. It was featured on the front page of Upworthy.com and currently has over 70,000 views.
- [Transgender In Ohio](https://thisisbgm.com/portfolio/transgender-in-ohio/) - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZenBoSZSWGc This video is one in a series of short vignettes of LGBT youth in the United States produced for GLSEN--the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network. It was featured on the front page of Upworthy.com and currently has over 70,000 views.
- [Day of Silence: Whose Side Are You On?](https://thisisbgm.com/portfolio/day-of-silence/) - [tw-column width="one-fourth"] Day of Silence www.dayofsilence.org Services Concept & Production [/tw-column] [tw-column width="three-fourth" position="last"] When Linda Harvey attacked the Day of Silence and the hundreds of thousands of middle and high school students who participate each year, GLSEN knew a response was needed. I created this figure juxtaposing Linda Harvey’s words with facts from academic
- [Respect Awards - New York](https://thisisbgm.com/portfolio/respect-awards-new-york/) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YET4cuKp5j4 [tw-column width="three-fourth"] Celebrities such as Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick, and Matt Bomer and sports figures like Jason Collins and LZ Granderson joined students like Leo Washington from Georgia and Andrew Lawless from Tennessee for a night celebrating everyone working to make schools safer for LGBT students. [/tw-column] [tw-column width="one-fourth" position="last"] Services Video Production &

## Categories

- [Uncategorized](https://thisisbgm.com/category/uncategorized/)
- [Society](https://thisisbgm.com/category/society/)
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- [Brian's Story](https://thisisbgm.com/category/brians-story/)
- [Online Strategy](https://thisisbgm.com/category/online-strategy/)
- [Tough Questions](https://thisisbgm.com/category/tough-questions/)
- [Digital Video](https://thisisbgm.com/category/digital-video/)
- [Queer Theology](https://thisisbgm.com/category/queer-theology/)
- [Social Change](https://thisisbgm.com/category/social-change-2/)
- [Relationships](https://thisisbgm.com/category/relationships/)

## Tags

- [Religion](https://thisisbgm.com/tag/religion/)
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